I got married for the first time at 18.
Nobody should get married at 18.
My all time favorite movie is After Hours, directed by Martin Scorsese.
Absolutely nobody has heard of the movie After Hours, let alone seen it…eight times!
My husband’s favorite car was his Mercedes.
I met him when I backed my Toyota into it.
I hate Valentine’s Day and New Year’s Eve because the expectation is you’re supposed to have romance and excitement.
You can’t have both romance and excitement. Pick one.
I always pick excitement.
That’s why my favorite holiday is Groundhog Day.
We have family portraits that hang all the way up our stairwell and last night a framed picture of me came crashing down to the floor.
My husband told me that’s because I’m an “off-the-wall” type of wife.
My hair always has that wild and messy, wind-blown look.
Except when I ride in a convertible, then it suddenly looks neatly styled.
I must open the door of the microwave before the timer says 1 second, or else “something really bad” will happen.
The “something bad” will be much worse than overcooked carrots.
I don’t recycle.
That’s because I don’t know where all my neighbors get those green recycling bins.
When I’m running late to a potluck party I embellish on frozen food and tell everyone it is homemade.
Then I give out elaborate recipes with phony ingredient measurements.
I keep a journal on my nightstand next to my bed to record my dreams in.
Sometimes I wake up at 3 am and scribble “Buy contact lens solution and dog food” in it.
We don’t own a dog.
My biggest pet peeve is people who are late.
And they always phone at the exact time they are supposed to meet you to tell you they are going to be late.
Which means they knew they were going to be late all along and could’ve called you earlier. So they are even late with their excuses for being late.
I have a temper and have been known to throw things. Think Scarlett O’Hara.
I threw my favorite perfume bottle and it shattered everywhere, staining our couch. Then the company discontinued that particular scent so when I go out fancy, I have to roll on the sofa to smell nice.
When I get pulled over for a traffic ticket, I pretend to speak a foreign language.
The hardest part about giving birth is getting an I.V.
I feel really guilty when I honk at inept drivers and then when I speed up to pass them, I see they are old people.
I pay my sons to kill bugs and spiders for me.
Daddy Longlegs are worth $5.50 each. My youngest will do two for $10.
When they’re not home, I throw books from a distance to smash them.
I have no idea what happened to the top layer of our wedding cake that we saved in our freezer.
I think Nathan ate it. And I’m sure he thinks I’m the one who scarfed it down.
I read the last page of books first. My good friend Ria taught me to do that to make sure it all turns out alright.
Sometimes I phone married people and sit silently on the line to see if they’ll accuse one another of having an affair.
In high school I was voted most likely.
When I’m sad, I dial up the pre-recorded time lady and sob uncontrollably into the phone.
One time when it was 8:53 and twenty seconds, I thought she paused and told me, “It’ll be okay,” but I think I might have been mistaken.
I saved all my fortune cookie slips until one read, “Your sentimentality will cause you grief.”
People think if you don’t have freckles, you’re not a true redhead.
Tee shirts at Target for little girls say, “Princess.” Tee shirts for little boys say, “Here Comes Trouble.”
You would never guess my middle name. And I won’t tell you.
It isn’t Candace.
When I walked around a Vegas hotel, two men asked me if I was a showgirl. Two women asked me if I was a prostitute.
I was on the Price is Right. I lost my showcase and I’m sure it’s because I wouldn’t let Bob Barker kiss me.
After magic shows, I’m often found backstage convincing, cajoling, coaxing and coercing the magician to tell me his secrets.
I clean my house before our maid comes over.
I cannot believe the way my mother dressed me as a child.
I’m planning her wardrobe when she gets too elderly to shop.
My favorite Twilight Zone episode is the one where the little girl falls into her wall.
When I meet people, the first thing I notice is their teeth.
They notice me noticing and immediately stop smiling.
I think the little paper clip guy in my Word program is adorable!
I write everything down in my calendar. Every day I forget to look at it. Tomorrow I am writing, “Read your calendar.”
One day I will write a novel about my life instead of having someone write it for me.
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